I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
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Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
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If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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