My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
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Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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