I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
