I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We left the knife in your bed.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
