dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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