The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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