he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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