I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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