I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
