Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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