Yo dont text me then not text me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
