you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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