and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
