Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
