I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
