I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
