I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
