Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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