Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
