He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
