Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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