o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
