I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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