You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
