I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
