you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
