I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
