Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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