I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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