How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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