I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
