shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
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Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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