Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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