you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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