This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
