Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
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I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
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Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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