Swine flu. Run for my life!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
