i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
