Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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