he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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