Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
