I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
