I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
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He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
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I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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