I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
