so that wasnt chicken after all
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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