i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
