i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I did not marry a roomba.
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