ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
