I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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