It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
