A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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