Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
