A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We are two peas in an std pod
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need to calm my uterus...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
