remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Found your dick twin last night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
