Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
